too much, too late

my final year in college, im suppose to be excited and care free, but sad to say, im a total wreck. everything is too expensive this year, the acquintance, the grad pic, the yearbook, prelims, dorm rent, everything. we suddenly can't afford anything. we have a ton of things to do, and bills to pay. i didn't ask for my allowance this week, i'd rather spend my savings on me rather than burden my parents on where to get my allowance. (hindi na kami makahinga sa higpit ng sinturon...) i heard my mom and dad talking. i knew it. from the start, i knew that studying in ust, will be a big burden to us. i know that we can't afford it, i know. but spoiled ol' me started throwing tantrums and guilt-tripping my dad. i knew it. if i could take back time, i would and enroll in gapo. i knew i shouldn't have continued studying here, with my f.a. on lit... i knew i had to stop. but i didn't.


MOM, DAD,

im so sorry. if it wasn't for me, we wouldn't be in this mess. i am really sorry.
i know my dad is working like a horse for me, i know im a lot of pain. my dad is 55 years old. and is still pushing 60 to work because we can't afford living. just living. he wanted to retire this year, but he can't. he still can't.

sometimes i wonder if i disappear would the world be brighter, would my family be happier??
would this world achieve peace and prosperity?

i have to repay every cent and love and care my mom and dad gave me. even if it means my life.

you know, how i love and treasure my family... i would do anything for them.

i may laugh a lot, joke a lot. but just like robin williams said, "comedians are the saddest people on earth, they maybe laughing outside, but they are crying inside..."

p.s.

those people who read this, don't talk to me or text me about whatever i wrote here, just this day. i don't need your pity or concern. i'd rather laugh with you like nothing is wrong.