im back from a week of despair

i was detached to the technological advances of the world for 9 days. why? i was at the province for my grandpa's wake and burial.

the lack of television and computers rendered me technologically incapacitated. and electronically delayed. i think im a part robot for the lack of my usual (radiation) fuel from televisions and computers. it made me groggy and haggard most of the time. armed only with a cellphone, the civilization i once belonged to became a bleak white spot on the back hole i was forced to live for 9 days.

i managed to saved data for 3 days, the only time i managed to text, until the power of nature and clean air engulfed me.

here goes:

OCTOBER 16:

death is inevitable, no matter how healthy or fit a person maybe, if it's his time, he will die. The death of my Lolo was both a shock and a relief for me, a shock because it was unexpected (he was full of life and no fatal diseases) and a relief because now, he can finally rest. I know that from the past 82 years of his life, he wanted to rest.

I welcomed his death as a reward from God, letting my Lolo to finally meet Him at His Kingdom.

I believed he has no regrets of upon leading the life he had. He had travelled and provided for his family well, he has seen his children grow up and have families, he and my grandma, already celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary, he had played with his granddaughter, a feat which only a chosen few can achieve.

He had survived the hardsh wars of the world, natural disasters and more.

he had served the community in which he was loved dearly, judging from the throngs of people coming just to have the final glimpse of him, and saying their thank you's and goodbyes.

im not done crying yet, but i am not sad anymore, because i know he's in a much better place.

upthere.

he's partying hard and doing what he loves to do, playing sabong with san pedro.

OCTOBER 17:

small frail hands.
small frail hands.

that's what i was looking at most of the time. my grandma's small frail hands, lighlty knocking my grandpa's coffin in hope that he would wake up and be alive again.

i can't do anything about my grandma. i let her cry as long as she wants, without any company. i let her cry her grief out. i watched her as she slowly wipes her tears and mumble words. i can never console a grieving her. because i never console my self. no matter how many times my mind keeps telling me, "he's in a much better and happier place" i can never seem to get my heart to agree.

small frail hands.
small frail hands.

we will meet again.

OCTOBER 18:

nearing the day of my grandpa's burial.

i heard my grandma talking to him.

saying "you will leave me here, all alone, all i'll have are memories..."

we caught he crying at 4 a.m. the usual time they both wake up and eat breakfast.

im really sad when i see my grandma staring at her wedding ring. all of their 56 years together they never parted. never.

so we (my cousins and i) took it upon our selves to atleast make her laugh, entertain her, feeding her, talking to her, singing her songs even if we're out of tune. we try so hard to keep her happy, to atleast ease her pain even for a couple of minutes.

though i may never know how painful it is to lose someone you've been with for more than half of your life. in this day and age, i think i will never feel atleast half of what she's going through.

"true love comes with a price. memories can be bought and erased, chivalry is dead. technology is master." This is our reality, This is our romance, this is our DESPAIR.