im such a dork. and a loser.

im such a dork. and a loser.

ichai's contemplating about her funeral and her friends snubbing each other, as a part of her circle, i don't think we'll snub each other, we'll say a thing or two then sit there in silence.

+++

just watched the da vinci code and the omen. great, that's like a millenium ago. the reason behind the late viweing of the The Da Vinci Code, is im afraid that: my view of the book may be distorted by the film, the film will not be able to sustain the amount of satisfaction the book gave me, it will not be loyal to the book, and it will destroy my idea of robert langdon and sophie neveu.

and tantararan!!!!

i was right. i pictured robert langdon to be atleast a little scrubby looking, with a mustache and a little wrinkles... not like tiom hanks, with a hairline way beyond, and sir leigh teabing? i pictured him a little on the heavy side.... but i'll take the very regal Sir Ian McKellen as an antagonist anytime!!! hehehe!

though i liked the fact that they showed the louvre, the chapels, the paintings.. oh so divine... i swear if i ever get enough money, i'll tour Le' Paris and immerse myself with classical culture and romantique (not the LOVE kind) architecture and surroundings.

im not going shopping. i may be too broke to even buy a pair of flip flops in paris, because i'll spend all of my dough on food and sight seeing. but who knows, i may have an extra moolah to go shopping!!! ahehehe!!

call me obsess, call me nuts, but i LURVE THEM!!

SO EXCITED THEY'RE FINALLY A COUPLE!!!

im back from a week of despair

i was detached to the technological advances of the world for 9 days. why? i was at the province for my grandpa's wake and burial.

the lack of television and computers rendered me technologically incapacitated. and electronically delayed. i think im a part robot for the lack of my usual (radiation) fuel from televisions and computers. it made me groggy and haggard most of the time. armed only with a cellphone, the civilization i once belonged to became a bleak white spot on the back hole i was forced to live for 9 days.

i managed to saved data for 3 days, the only time i managed to text, until the power of nature and clean air engulfed me.

here goes:

OCTOBER 16:

death is inevitable, no matter how healthy or fit a person maybe, if it's his time, he will die. The death of my Lolo was both a shock and a relief for me, a shock because it was unexpected (he was full of life and no fatal diseases) and a relief because now, he can finally rest. I know that from the past 82 years of his life, he wanted to rest.

I welcomed his death as a reward from God, letting my Lolo to finally meet Him at His Kingdom.

I believed he has no regrets of upon leading the life he had. He had travelled and provided for his family well, he has seen his children grow up and have families, he and my grandma, already celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary, he had played with his granddaughter, a feat which only a chosen few can achieve.

He had survived the hardsh wars of the world, natural disasters and more.

he had served the community in which he was loved dearly, judging from the throngs of people coming just to have the final glimpse of him, and saying their thank you's and goodbyes.

im not done crying yet, but i am not sad anymore, because i know he's in a much better place.

upthere.

he's partying hard and doing what he loves to do, playing sabong with san pedro.

OCTOBER 17:

small frail hands.
small frail hands.

that's what i was looking at most of the time. my grandma's small frail hands, lighlty knocking my grandpa's coffin in hope that he would wake up and be alive again.

i can't do anything about my grandma. i let her cry as long as she wants, without any company. i let her cry her grief out. i watched her as she slowly wipes her tears and mumble words. i can never console a grieving her. because i never console my self. no matter how many times my mind keeps telling me, "he's in a much better and happier place" i can never seem to get my heart to agree.

small frail hands.
small frail hands.

we will meet again.

OCTOBER 18:

nearing the day of my grandpa's burial.

i heard my grandma talking to him.

saying "you will leave me here, all alone, all i'll have are memories..."

we caught he crying at 4 a.m. the usual time they both wake up and eat breakfast.

im really sad when i see my grandma staring at her wedding ring. all of their 56 years together they never parted. never.

so we (my cousins and i) took it upon our selves to atleast make her laugh, entertain her, feeding her, talking to her, singing her songs even if we're out of tune. we try so hard to keep her happy, to atleast ease her pain even for a couple of minutes.

though i may never know how painful it is to lose someone you've been with for more than half of your life. in this day and age, i think i will never feel atleast half of what she's going through.

"true love comes with a price. memories can be bought and erased, chivalry is dead. technology is master." This is our reality, This is our romance, this is our DESPAIR.

fat can be fabulous

i get this alot:

"you know what, you're pretty, kaya lang medyo mataba ka eh..."

i get that alot. from former teachers, now teachers, former classmates, potential suitors, people i work with, people i meet on the street, messages on my friendster.

i don't know how to react on this, would i be glad or would i be angry?

i don't know if i can place it as a compliment or a sarcastic attempt to please me.

why can't people find fat people beautiful? one time i answered back and retorted, "bakit pag mataba na di na pwedeng maging maganda? bakit lahat ba ng payat maganda?"

why do they always find skinny people so beautiful? what's so beautiful about being skinny anyway?

clothes fit them well? they have a lot of choices? they don't have to chose which color suit their frame? alot of clothes look good on them?

all i can think of in physical aspect that is, is clothes. and that they are rarely the butt of all discriminating jokes. that's it, nothing more nothing less.


but clothes? only clothes? come on! we can do the same thing, we just adjust the size!

so what if we have bilbils? so what if our arms are big or our hips are huge? so what? God made us this way... sure there is so much pressure from society now for perfection. BEING SKINNY IS NOT BEING PERFECT. being skinny is about being skinny.

i have learn to love my body just the way it is. i faced the fact that i may never be skinny ever. but so what, i learned alot of techniques to hide my flaws. my face doesn't show any sign of oncoming wrinkles because the skin on my face is tight, (hahahah) i look healthy because i don't seem to be starved by my mom. sure im prone from jokes, nasty stares, side comments and all that shit. but i don't care. im happy with just being like this. people doing shits to us are just insecure, always finding flaws on other people to appease them selves, always telling themselves that they are not miserable inside. whatever... if that is the way i can help their self-esteem, fire any joke or comments you've got. because at the end of the end, im happy and secure of the way i am. i am maybe bruised and scratched from your gun, but im not the one with a hole inside.

doing the limbo while being a puppet.

i don't know if i'm doing anything right or im doing everything wrong.
my world is in chaos right now.
family and school work are not in sync.
feelings are dismangled.
thoughts and desired in syntax error.


only one thing is for sure
i am alive.

+++

haven't you ever wondered why we are the way we are?
why we act in a certain way
why we speak in a certain manner

haven't you ever wondered if God
is like a puppeteer
holding us all in strings
swishing us like playing
barbie and ken
and the ones SMART enough
to defy him
gets to cut off their strings

and roam

freely
into

the night...

but starving for love

when i was a kid
i always thought about being a puppeteer

being able to control the world with my very HANDS
deciding who dies and who gets a 2nd chance

maybe that's the high
dynastic politics gets..

being able to control a world
playing God amongst MORTALs

my pathetic attempt to remove beef

believe me i tried. i tried so hard. i just can't.

well since my no pork diet have been a success, (i managed to remove all pork products and viand no matter how tempting they may be, for a year) i had this bright idea of not eating beef, i gave myself, a month. and alas! i barely lasted a week!! on my fourth day, i started having withdrawal syndrome, i wanted to eat beef, i want it fried, nilaga, adobo, kaldereta, with brocolli, with mushroom, anything! ANYTHING THAT GOES GOOD WITH BEEF! i started imagining things, tasting beef and all that... OH MY GOD! i just can't live without beef.

im sorry cows, but you're all so yummy and tasty, and ah... the texture of your meat! oh so divine!

i tried i really did. i swear.

what i need is a meat substitute.

why does it have to be cows... they're so cute! i feel guilty...